Trust & Timing

I have been reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp for the past few weeks. It has been amazing ya'll. Very beautifully written, challenges me to think in new ways & reevaluate my priorities & thinking habits.

Anyway, the chapter I read the other day was about trusting God.  This chapter really struck me. Hard. God spoke to me while I was reading this chapter. He opened my eyes to the fact that I trust Ben more than I trust Him. Yikes. No bueno.

Now, I don't know if any of you are like this, but one of the hardest things for me about my faith & relationship with God is that it isn't tangible. With Ben, for example, I can feel him, he can hug me, wipe my tears away, I can hear him laugh with me, etc. But it's not the same with God. I can't hear Him - some can & that is an amazing gift that God has blessed them with, but not me.

So I really struggle with trusting Him.
Trusting that He will protect me.
Trusting that He will always put me first.
Trusting that He will always give me the best.
Trusting that He will always do what is best for me.

With Ben, all of these things come naturally. I don't even have to think about it. Not the case with God. And that HAS to change. Ann even went as far to say that if we don't trust God, then it is just about the same as denying Him & refuting Him.

His plan is perfect. His will is perfect. His timing is perfect. He is perfect.

Every single day since I read that chapter that night I have been praying to God to begin to work in me to change this. I have surrendered my heart to Him. I need to trust Him above anyone else. At all times.

On the same note (since nothing is ever a coincidence with God) the conversation of engagements & marriage came up between Ben & I last weekend. I brought up that maybe we would be ready to start seriously conversing that subject after I get back from Australia at the end of December this year or January 2014.

Ben wasn't so sure. Not because he doesn't want to, he just isn't sure that that will be the right time. He wants to get all of his ducks in a row before he heads down that road - school done, have a profession (not just a job), have a plan, have some money, etc. Me? Well that stuff cold take forever to get done. Could be years. And I don't want to wait years. I'm ready now.

I know I want to be with Ben forever. He's the soul to my mate. The prince to my charming. The macaroni to my cheese. He makes me smile. He makes me crazy. He pushes me to be better, stronger, & more daring. I just love him. Is it too much to ask to want to be with him everyday & get to call him my husband?

Through some tears & tense words, we reminded each other that it doesn't matter what I want, or what Ben wants. Maybe God will want us to wait longer so we can get our lives sorted out separately first. Maybe He doesn't want Ben to save ex amount of money beforehand.

All that matters is that we don't know what God will do in our hearts while I am gone. Heck, He could even tell us that we're not meant to be together forever. Who knows.

We just have to TRUST in His perfect TIMING. Because it is PERFECT.

It's hard for me to let that control go. To not plan. I'm a planner. It's kind of addicting. But I have to. I have to put my life in His hands & just let go.

Anyone else who is single & struggling with this?